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Archive for the ‘Shit ‘n’ Giggles’ Category

Amusing as Hell.  May help distract the distractable-enough from noticing that sidebar stuff didn’t get done.  Do you really need to hear why? Just assume the obvious, and whether you are or are not correct, you’ll settle for the ‘reason’ knowing full well it coulda just as easily been YOUR fuckup, if you were running this show…

Seriously, though…I’ll really try to get to it even though the next four or five days are burdened with what Tim Leary usedta call ‘first circuit concerns’, the damn CRAP every human needs to do if s/he wishes to maintain living space, adequate food, health, and all that happy horseshit without which whatever addicts you to a sludgeball of euphoric glee, be it legal, illegal, halfway-there and racing for the finish line…OR MAYBE YOU are, like me, JUST REALLY ADDICTED to the goddamn internet, so much that it’s done more damage than your past hard drug habits, but stopping it or cutting down to a healthy hour or so a day and no more would take you, or your caring friend, putting an ax through your almost-$800 dollar computer, which is NOT the kind of intervention that makes my friends remain my friends.

What happens to net addicts who also can happen to – unlike me at this juncture – actually afford weed? Does the weed make it worse, or does the weed make you succumb to the need to get horizontal and/or eat which kind of interrupts the net-addiction process…you STOP clicking when you are stoned, if my memory serves me (and yes, ONDCP jerkoffs, it DOES) before your brain melts out your ears in goopy wet gumdrop like balls of fizz.

But enough of that.  Download this Scribd – is that scrib-dee or scribbed, when you say it either out loud or read it in your head? This one’s a hoot.

Sidebars.  Blogrolls.  Soon.  If you give a damn remind me.  If you author a drug blog and don’t remind me, I will send minions to your home to steal your stash and bring it…somewhere else, until you send me your url and beg me to sidebar it, the way folks did in the old days when there were about 85 blogs and mine was one of them! Everyone rushed around trying to get on each other’s sidebars, using creative begging, bribing, and even obscene offers to obtain this vital link love.  Now, the fucking RSS shit does all the work and all I have to do is grab the list of feeds, run a few, then hit one of the social nutwhacking sites searchbots, put ‘drugs’ in the box, and after winnowing out the rehabs and happy church group community anti-drug program blogs, scoop the rest onto the sidebar in one grab and slap.

(Actually, that while doable, would kind of suck.  That’s the way I had it before, but this time I’m gonna do a categoried blogroll, since the p0t blogs and junkie diaries ought to live in their own lil’ comfy sections.  Doncha agree?) That however does take more work.  Might hafta wait till that First Circuit shit gets attended to, or else I’ll just do a crappy job since I’ll be too worried–not to mention entirely too straight…since until I figure out some way to earn my own pot money, I ain’t gonna smoke it.  It’s a karma thing.

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Enjoyed the heck outa the Hip Forums.  Definitely will spend a bunch more time THERE if I can squeeze some out of a day.  A fellow named PB Smith posted this entertaining, even if somewhat disturbing, list there a few years back…I reran it with a few small grammatical changes and added some responses.   (Italicised commentary from me follows each list item.)

1 Don’t even bother trying to explain to the nice police officer why you were driving into oncoming traffic. With your lights off. And no, holding a flashlight out the window does not count as headlights. (Why would headlights even matter once you’re in “driving to the opposite direction the street is flowing its traffic towards” territory? More importantly, what the fuck are you doing in a car behind its wheel while on a road in the first place if you have a head full of LSD? My hard, absolute rule is ‘do not drive on drugs’ – ESPECIALLY psychedelics, even if you have somehow managed to develop an adeptness for keeping the ‘hallucinarea’ away from the car and road in spatial reality, and out of the temporal zone representing the time it takes to drive where you’re going.  Besides the obvious fact that not everyone can do this as well as they might think, there is ALSO FAR too much NORMAL SHIT involving cars, cops and things going wrong with them that can screw up your trip at best and kill you and/or other persons at worst — with a whole spectrum of prison flavoured badness inbetween.  Use your head and plan your trip so that driving motor vehicles is not involved, or you will be a poor example to persons who distrust drugs and all persons who use them. Driving on hallucinogens is STUPID, no matter how good a driver OR  a tripper you are.  Got it? I chose to never even get a license or ever own a car, as a responsibility ethic.)

2 Don’t try to pick that zit on your face. It probably isn’t real. (And if it IS real, you’ll turn it into a major staph magnet.  Ugh.  It’ll look like a hallucination from hell when you are not on anything, and plus be dangerous to your health since most staph is antibiotic resistant now.)

3. Don’t go to the store to buy some of the new drink, Swill, that you just saw advertised on Saturday Night Live. (Never heard of it.  I would stick to drinks you are familiar with.  The last trip I ever got to take with a partner was over a decade ago; we were both reading the Dune books by Frank Herbert, and decided to make a fluid representing melange to drink after we dosed…made from cinnamon mixed with coffee and powdered chocolate.  This was because the Spice was supposed to taste cinnamonish.  This coffee might have been good at another time, but in a tiny espresso sized cup.  We drank a HUGE glass of it and got all barfy.  Thankfully we didn’t lose our blots before they had us lost in them. )   ///…maudlin nostalgia pseudo-flashback for about 15 seconds…///

4. Don’t try to light your farts–especially if you have a really hairy ass. (Oh come on, don’t do this, no matter how hairy the ass and/or how hairy the acid. It’s puerile.)

5. Don’t try to make a “lemon chocolate milkshake” by mixing lemon juice, milk, and chocolate ice cream in a blender. Lemon juice makes milk curdle. (Didn’t know that.  File under “nothing I’d think to try no matter what I was on” – but it’s interesting.)

6. Don’t forget to put the lid on the blender when you try to make a lemon chocolate milkshake. (Or if you are making popcorn, remember that without the lid, you have Mount Vesuvius in your kitchen, and while the eruption will be fun to see, the popcorn won’t be edibly clean, and you’ll have to sweep it up the next morning after.  There are better paths to acidic volcanic events… speaking of which comes the next item…)

7. Don’t keep laughing while having sex with someone who isn’t on acid. (I could write for years about sex on acid because I am better at it than anyone in the entire world – this is no joke – and it was my absolute favourite thing to do in life, ever. It still would be if I had acid, and someone to have sex with. Time does what Time does, tho’… I’m an old lady now, so I need not elabourate on what THAT means sexwise…and since acid’s only available if you’re in Europe or Russia now,  I dun’ think I’ll ever get to ‘Do My Thing’ again. But I did it enough in my youth for seven lives…and the memories did not get old nor can the DEA take them away…so I still get LOADS of joy on a daily basis from each and every sex trip I took…and there were lots! But it is a communication breakdown waiting to happen if you try to do it with someone who ain’t There if you are There yourself!!!unless you are REALLY close to your partner and s/he REALLY ‘gets’ the acid-sex experience, but just doesn’t happen to be doing it at the same time you are.  Otherwise, either both do it, or go solo – deep out/down/up/into the Xenodimensional Realms…but don’t masturbate.  Just lie flat and don’t move, then sway back and forth slowly for a while and then I guarantee, if you trust in the Powers That Be, both in You and in the Drug, you WILL make love to the Gods, angels, demons, fairies, aliens, fantastic perfect lords, princesses, or other Beautiful Uber-personas – or your own Self.  Sometimes all at once…)

8. Don’t try filling a glass water bottle with butane, and then blowing into it when it doesn’t look like it is lit. The blue flame can be almost invisible. Eyebrows grow back slowly. (This is the sort of activity made for glue sniffers.  You are better than that….right?  Skip it.)

9. Don’t think you can jump over your friend’s Ford Pinto, even if he is only going 20 mph. It’s LSD, not Superman Juice. (See #1.)

10. Don’t try to make homemade fireworks by pouring 1 1/2 pounds of black gunpowder into a coffee can and lighting it on the 4th of July. Sure, it makes an awesome tower of flame that is higher than a two storey house, but the police show up soon afterwards. (This seems like something that a meth-lab monkey cooking speed in a moving vehicle, in the back of a van, would do. Not an ‘enlightenable’ tripper who can see/feel/hear their own mind learning how to do a thing while it is being learned…for one of a zillion examples.  What tripper would need to make explosions in a coffee can? Answer: one who is not on LSD, obviously.)

via Top Ten Things To NEVER Do While Tripping – Hip Forums.

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For the past month or so, I’ve set my Flock browser to start up with Cracked.com – yeah, it’s a website that’s somehow also connected to that Mad magazine knock-off you’ll remember if you spent your childhood in the 1970s, although I am not clear on who if any of the persons who did the magazine are also doing the website.

It makes a good start page. There is a stable – or would that be an ‘unstable? – of lunatics who churn out articles on a very regular basis, which are nearly all quite funny.  Plus…a lot of them manage to be keenly-witted rant epistles which manage to also contain lots of interesting trivia or things that are actually really important to read about, but which sometimes tend to get avoided by certain sorts of persons.  See, for the most part, out in the world beyond Cracked,  writers wrap that sort of thing all up in far too much phony gravitas – and besides, doesn’t stuff that’s “supposed to be good for you” or that cover topics that “you’re supposed to care about” already lose you before you even get there?

Not all Cracked articles are granola bars wrapped up in junkfood, and not all of them are Numbered Lists – although there’s a LOT of those.  Sometimes, someone will do something else altogether, and an example is Robert Brockway’s psychedelically-charmed text-adventure parodies to be found there.

It’s too bad there isn’t something out there like this that’s an actual game, as far as I know.  Text adventures, as you might guess, are those pre-graphical-era computer-nerd favourites, the sort of thing the nerds you knew in college if you were going there in the 1980s would play when they weren’t hunkering down with their DnD manuals and little figurines or studying piles of science and math for whole months at a time…in other words, the subset of folks having computers before computers were both easy enough to learn to use, and also did enough things that you’d want to bother learning how to use them. The nerds were using them because they knew how important their chosen career fields found the things.  But they weren’t above having fun on them, and before windows and mice, Infocom adventures were really all there was in the way of games that weren’t some form of chess or checkers.

But skipping to this century, some people still like these things, and new ones still get made.  So maybe, there’ll be something for this to have been a parody of before it existed.

Robert Brockway, who also gave us a list of nootropicky-type drugs and some reviews of their effects – has done two of these  articles.  The first one’s called a “Misadventure” – CYODFM – and the second’s an “Adventure” CYODFA.  What criteria made for the difference in quality has not been made obvious. Maybe whatever Brockway was on at the time had a great deal to do with it? Your guess is as good as mine, but better for you, since it’s yours.

Anyway: CYODFM is a  Sci-Fi Epic: “High in Space” – and CYODFA is sort of chance-based clusterfuck called “Fuck This Lost World” that would be somewhat describable as Tarantino/Harry Potter/Imaginarium orgy shoved into a time machine whose inventor used Windows Vista as the operating system so it flips out and subdivides and crashlands/crashlanded/will crashland (time means nothing to a time machine running Vista) leaving the party stranded in about four or five different versions of 1968. It will probably look like something else to you, but that’s the nature of Drug Fuelled Adventures, isn’t it?

As I read these things I found it sort of unfortunate that they didn’t actually work as text adventures, letting you click to your choices and follow the threads of the  trips being taken – you have to pretend, and keep scrolling up and down the screen, if you want to end up seeing the threads.  Or just read them top to bottom and forget continuity anyway–after all, especially if you’ve been smoking some pot having any variety with a name containing “Haze” in its pedigree, chances are time doesn’t mean shit to you by now, anyway, so whatever.

Y’know, this actually might satisfy the craving for a Drug Fuelled Adventure, at least for people who aren’t busy doing the real thing, being that they are too scared to, or have a piss test at work next week, or who’ve been living as American (or European, Canadian, et cetera)  hikikomori for so long they don’t have friends who’ll help them find good drugs, or maybe just happened to be people of the ‘Did That Already And Don’t Need To Do More” camp (these folks will be the ones most entertained, naturally.)

I recently began compiling a list – I’ve been reading Cracked too damn long…lists! – of  “People Who Provide Us With Gonzo Drug Culture That Are Neither Dead Nor Senile” – Steve Aylett being, so far, the only name on it, but that’s because I just started the damn thing. I think Mr. Brockway deserves a slot, for sure…though to show he, like most of them, also does other stuff, you can go look at his blog called I Fight Robots.

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This dude probably should have taken anything but alcohol, apparently.

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Cute. But I’m a little stumped about how the person who p-shopped this saw a letter “G” in that cannabis leaf.

///shroogle///

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Always had a feeling pure cane sugar might be this child-stalking rat’s drug o’ choice. He’s such a dork, he can’t even cut his lines properly.

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